The Current Thing™ Pre-Surgery FAQ

I am already tired of talking about this, so please find the answers to your questions in this document.

How do you feel?

Hungry.

No, how do you feel about this?

Annoyed. Relieved that it was found early and can be handled here in Freising, but mostly just annoyed. I am actually more worried about FUZZ than about myself.

How bad is it?

Not bad at all. “Triple positive” is the easiest kind to treat, and it’s only about 11mm wide. I will be busy for awhile, but I will be fine.

How did you find it?

Routine mammogram, though Mammographie-Screening Bayern. They actually scheduled the appointment for me–I don’t know if my Hausarzt (general doctor) or the Krankenkasse (medical coverage scheme) fed them my information, but one day I got a letter in the mail with instructions for confirming or canceling it. After getting over “how dare they schedule an appointment without asking me first”, I decided to just go and get it out of the way. The brochure said only about thirty of every 1000 women are called in to the specialist, and only about six of those are diagnosed…look at me, I’m special! Lol.

(The letters for screening other body parts triggered by my last birthday tell me to make my own appointment. I think I’ll wait a few months.)

Can I see a picture?

No.

Does it hurt?

It didn’t until people started jabbing sharp objects into it. Go figure.

What’s the plan?

Germany has a standard protocol after something is found on a mammogram. In-patient surgery to remove the thing has been scheduled for July 16, here in Freising with a local specialist. Next steps will be determined after all the chopped-out bits are analyzed in a lab.

Don’t worry, I’ll pre-schedule some memes for Twitter, you won’t even notice I’m gone.

Why are you being so flippant? Why aren’t you taking this seriously?

Not wanting to talk about it all the time is not the same as not taking it seriously.

I’ve been anxious and sad about nearly everything since the third grade, and looking back I can’t find one situation where that helped me. So, I’ve decided to try a new approach.

What can I do to help you?

Thank you for asking! 🙂

• Pray, if that’s part of your spiritual practice. Very much appreciated, and probably the best thing you can do.
• Send pictures of your pets being cute (stuffies count as pets here), your flowers, your gardens, nice landscapes.
• Send funny cat memes/pictures and non-political humor (anyone bothering me with politics at this time may be blocked).
• Friendly check-ins via e-mail, WhatsApp, private messages on the Twitters. I won’t be on FB much.
• Physical cards and postcards will be appreciated.
• If you see me being some sort of Diva of Victimhood, please gently remind me that I said I don’t want to become that.

What should I not do?

• Ship anything bigger than a greeting card to me from outside of Germany. I had to pay import tax on a Christmas present from my mom once, it was a giant pain in the ass and ruined the sentiment. Also, I really don’t need anything. If this changes, I’ll let you know.
• Talk about me behind my back. I don’t want the people who made fun of my boobs in high school (there were no cute bras in large sizes back in those days) talking about them now.
• Tell me what I should be doing differently.

Let’s finish off with a cat meme.

Gerne!